When I was a child, I knew nothing about God. I didn’t really know anything about Jesus, and I really knew nothing about God at all. I went to Awana’s when I was really little, but that was about it. Brief history here, my parents divorced when I was young. Before they divorced they had a terrible experience at a church with a minister who didn’t understand how the modern economy and world worked. They couldn’t make it every week, not that they didn’t want to, they physically couldn’t.
I was raised in a house that didn’t attend church, and neither of my parents grew up in homes where they talked about their faith, so neither did they. My mother re-married a fantastic guy, who I love like he has always been my family, when I was eleven. Not long after that, they both were convicted and decided to look for a church. They fell in love with the first one they visited. I was saved in youth group, helped in youth ministry, moved to the worship ministry, and began to lead the college age ministry.
I had hit the peak of knowledge. I had gone through the classes, I had learned what they taught. I seriously thought I knew almost everything to know about God and Christianity.
Then I became the worship pastor at a new church in the area. The senior pastor started to train me, and gave me a rather large reading list. I read, and read, and read. Something dawned on me…the more I learned, the more I realized just how little I knew.
I had put Jesus in a box. I didn’t realize it, but I had. I knew that you lived out your faith, and I did. I lived as a Christian, I studied as a Christian, I worked as a Christian. But I never really realized just how completely God is in every aspect of my life. I told people He was, I taught people He was, but it wasn’t until I accepted the fact that I knew practically nothing and that God is so infinitely vast that it actually sunk in.
It took me realizing that I am nothing for me to see that God is everything. I don’t mean that in the sense that God IS the Universe and we are like cells in Him. I say that God is the MEANING of everything. It’s funny really, the more I see that I am valueless, the more God shows me just how valuable I am. The more I surrender and give myself freely to God as a bondservant, the more God shows me just how free I am.
This perplexing phenomenon has led me to studying more. Because the more I know, the better chance I have at understanding more how God designed me and wants me to be. This relationship is unlike any other, and I find myself wanting more.